forgiveness

So today I had a really amazing experience, I went to Agape with 2 friends one whom had been in my life a long time ago, whom I had a little rough patch with.. really due to the tiny box syndrome we sometimes live our lives through, yes I am guilty of that!!:-) well today I experienced the beauty of forgiveness the beauty of true love and was reminded of the possibilities that are always present to us!!

 It was there first time to Agape and what seemed to be at first a bit of a disappointment that DR michael Beckwith was not going to be there today for them, once again proved that everything is in divine order!! The guest speak today was a lady by the name of DR. Sue Morten, I had never heard her talk before and from the moment she said one word I was instantly hooked, it was like her words caressed a tender place in my heart that longed to hear their truth again, my truth. She spoke from such a high place, the place where we all originate from, giving our sometime lost spirits the medicine it needed, the love it longed for, the remembrance of what we are. 

 (If you have the chance you should check her out!!! www.suemorter.com)

Sitting there with a dear friend whom had chosen the path of forgiveness with me, of light, listening to these words was an experience that will always remain special to my heart.  What's even more special is that it was fathers day!! A day that sometimes isn't always the most pleasant of days for me as I never really got to know my father, but again this life is always full of possibilities so it is not to say it will never happen. On this day I choose to honor the men that has played that role in my life, Tony and Ed thank you!! Thank you for being the loving men that you are, that always accepted me in your lives and showed me love. It is also through their own relationships with there children that I learnt that presence of a father so for all you fathers, remember you are a father to all!!

Well I think I will end this here, it has been awhile since I have last written and I longed to share this space in my heart that I am feeling with all of you. In closing I just want to remind us all of that special gift we have..Forgiveness... let your hearts be open!!! And I wish my friend a safe trip home and thank you!! 

a mission

3/27/09

Today I am in celebration over a vision being fully lived out!! About a month ago I took at trip to the Union Rescue Mission in Downtown LA. It is a homeless shelter giving food, shelter, and clothing to nearly 2,000 people a day! What I noticed about this wonderful facility was that they were doing so many great thing, they were taking care of the hungry abandoned souls that the rest of the world had shut their eyes too. However, in all the greatness of what this place had to offer it came to me that there could still be more.

From my own personal experience dealing with my life's process, creative outlets have helped me heal and grow in immeasurable ways. This place longed to have an outlet for personal expression. With all that these people are dealing with the one thing this need the most is a healthy way to release the weight of their circumstances. So after completing the Volunteer Orientation i asked the coordinators of they would consider bringing in different programs promoting creative expression, the first one and the easiest to accommodate being poetry. They happily agreed to host such an event so it was off to Facebook i went to reach out to our community and see what could be offered to make this vision a reality.

Ryan Stepped forward right away, i knew that he was an amazing photographer but I had no idea that he was a published poet as well!! So after many emails back and forth with the organization we set the date for today and I am now writing this having just wrapped up our first poetry session!!

When I was younger my brother used to make fun of me saying I wanted to save the world, i know he was only being a big brother but as the years passed and all I would hear from others is that one person can't change the world, I slowly started to believe it. Well this year I decided to stop listening to that story and started to listen to that source within that has no boundaries of what we can achieve.

The beauty that I saw in that room today will never leave me, the gentleness of Ryan's words of encouragement and praise was like a hug that for the time they were together softened the hard shell these woman have been carrying around with them. Shells protecting their fragile hearts from reaching out, from asking to be truly seen,to really be heard after so many years of being rejected. Within this group of about 15 woman all that remained was love, they clapped when each person took the brave step of sharing their hearts words, they smiled at each other and encourage one another.It was truly a magical moment!!

So I encourage you, reach out, embrace this life that we are living in, open your eyes to all that is around you and act, start living to find your own moments that move you. Start reaching out to those longing to be seen, give them a smile, a hug, whatever you feel inclined to do, but do it.

Never shy away from achieving your own dreams, never take no for an answer and dont wait around for someone to tell you that your allowed to do it. You gotta give it to Nike for this one "just do it" guess they were onto something here:-)

Working with the less advantaged has been a dream of mine since I was a teen and after recently being told that I needed a BA to take an art therapy course I was interested in which would mean 6 years of school to complete it all it sounded like a no to me, so i choose not to listen. I decided to start living my dream knowing that what i will achieve in these six years I would have had my head in a book could never be replaced. I do not think this path is right for everyone but it felt right to me and I fully trust in the universe that everything is in divine order:-)

In this closing I just wanted to say thank you to Ryan Jesena for his massive heart and unlimited talents and for offering his time to this project that so deeply touched the hearts of many woman today myself included:-)

so little for so much..

03/24/09

okay this one is getting posted a bit late, sorry guys i wrote it earlier this week but haven't been able to get around to editing and posting it.

First off I'd like dedicate this to Ivy, for her huge heart and for always being present with me your an amazing woman and I feel honored to call you a friend!! Just to let you guys know what she did, she listen, stored, then acted through her heart when an opportunity came up for me and my mentee!! 

I told her about some of the interests of my Mentee ice skating being one of them, well it just so happens that Ivy being so present remembered this and when she found out her Dad could possibly get VIP tickets to the world championships of figure skating, she asked me if I would be interests, hell yea i replied:-)  I was so touched that firstly she remembered this and secondly that she thought of me and how much my mentee would enjoy this opportunity so thank you miss Ivy, Thank you for getting the tickets and thank you for being you!!

So for those of you that dont know what a Mentee is or what this is about. About 2 months ago I became a mentor,  the program is for at risk youth in middle school. My Mentee's this breath of fresh air, energetic, funny, full of light little 12 year old named Yasmine. When first meeting her I instantly loved her and after completing a somewhat "speed dating" process of trying to match mentors to the children (mentees) we were asked to write down our top 3 choices of whom we wanted to be paired with. 

Yasmine and I chose each other as number one!!  I think we were the only ones to choose the other as number one. I believe in life there are no coincidences there is no doubt that Yasmine is a blessing to my life in every way and who would have thought I would be a mentor to someone who smiles as much as I do:-) 

I really wanted to share this experience with all of you because being a mentor it is a part of my life which is new and very exciting and it is defiantly deepening my awareness of the realities of what's really happening in our society. 

Being a mentor has been a desire I've had for a long time but never felt settled enough to do it till now. This desire was based on having such a positive experience myself having a big sister at one point in my childhood, I can't even remember the name of my big sister but i remember how loved I felt being in her presence, I remember for those few outings that we had that I felt special that she truly really cared about me and at this time in my life I really needed that affection. I had such gratitude for that experience and longed to one day give it back to another child. I feel deeply grateful to be in this space where i can finally do it and believe me every moment I am with my mentee is so rewarding. 

Today I picked Yasmine in what seemed like a compound for the "just shy of being homeless" families living in  south Central LA. All eyes were on me as I wondered around the few men lingering outside whom had the presence of being gangs members. Trying to endlessly search for the right unit I thought to myself how deceiving this world can be, how this little angle can carry so much light coming from a place like this when you see people with all the richest being so miserable. It was a nice reminder of how little we need to truly be happy... that happiness really does come from within. 

After finally finding her unit I was greeted by her disabled father whom was warm and inviting and I stepped into a split level space no more than 500 sq feet in total, housing a whole family in a space that some of us have as just our bedrooms!! 

Since Ivy had to work I now had an extra ticket so we invited her 8 year old brother to come along and it was off to the Staple center we went.. she actually had no idea where we were going so this was all going to be a surprise:-) 

When she finally caught on to where we were she was so excited, I could see her withholding her excitement out of shyness, this only being our first one on one outing. However, from the communication in Spanish between her brother and her which sounded like "blah blah blah ...this is awesome!! blah blah blah ...this is so awesome!!" I got the giffs that she was really happy to be there:-)

Witnessing the interaction between the two siblings brought me back to the relationship between my old brother and I. He was my best friend growing up, in fact it somewhat felt like we lived in a separate world of our own that could only we could share. Together we invincible, able to get through anything, to this day I've still never felt alone knowing he's there. 

Well as the night drew to an end having already stuffed ourselves on stadium junk food. Losing  and winning  a few bets on different pairs of skaters I was to drop them off to the church. I had no idea that church service went that late it was already 9pm! and it wasn't even over yet, Yasime was about to go teach some of the kids there how to play the drums!! Yes this is one of her passions FYI any musicians out there:-) 

With all the work that I have been recently doing the one thing that stands out the most amongst the less advantage is that they have a lot of faith in god. In fact one of the question I had to ask Yasmine in one of our group activities was "who do do you admire the most?" and she answered "god." When I asked her why she answered with full confidence "Because he takes care of me and my family".  It's with a breath of release of my own believes that I am finding gratitude in knowing that there is something out there that gives the world hope, for hope is light so I welcome whatever will allow us shine brightly:-)

until next time...:-) 

also you'll find a new posting of pictures of this outing on my facebook:-)

This little light of mine:-)

So yesterday I thought about writing a blog about my experience at the volunteer project i was involved in, However, between that time and how this blog has actually flowered into something so much more.It is about my own growth and insight that these volunteer projects have awakened within me.

You see I could sit here and write a page about my experiences yesterday, form the loving and warm people that I shared smiles with or the short and sometimes random converstatons we exchanged, but it is what these experiences have awakened within me that holds a deeper connection to the self and it is that deep connection that really truly fills me:-) 

A new Awakening is taking place within, one birthing many new insights and growth and since it is my intention of these blogs to use our precious gift of writing as a tool in expressing my own truth as I live it. I Hope that it is with this expression that it may lead you to your own discoveries, ones that connect you to your own beauty, your own light, your highest and brightest selves:-) For it is only then can we transcend into our oneness. For love starts with self-love.

3/22/09

Firstly just noted date..hmmm...22??:-)

Today one of my earth Angles and very good friend (yes you miss Kalla:-) helped me find peace with my path of being that of my highest potential. It has been extremely hard for me to receive praise  for the work I have been doing lately because somewhere still deep inside is that little girl hiding under the layers of cloth she wrapped herself in to dim her own light.

You see as a child I was raised in and out of fosterhomes, orphanages, woman shelters and my moms random living situations.

***note for mom here cause she reads these:-)...please do not ever put blame on yourselve for what I write for it is largely because of you that i am the woman that I am today and for all the good or bad choices that you have ever made, i wouldn't change a thing and I hope you find peace in that..oh and I love you so damn much!!:-)**

Now back to what I was saying...I had alot of instability in more than just where I would be sleeping that night like where I was getting my love and support from. As a child living in these environments with other children from similar families we collectively looked at the world in scarcity rather than abundance. Believing that if one child was to stand out then there wouldn't be enough attention from the adults figures for the rest.

So being what these other kids saw as a "goodie goodie" which was really just me living in my light, I started to get out-casted from the other children and as a child with an unstable home your friends and peers become your home. So i started to dim my own light, denying my own essence from myself because I couldn't accept their judgements.

it's crazy how we forget these actions we commit, the stories we tell ourselves, the filters we are constantly looking through. Who would have known that these children's actions towards me so long ago, which were really just a place for them to direct their own plain and hurt, could develop into a pattern of self sabotage!

I hope that we will all work in finding that place of love and gratitude for who we are and if there is work to be done on cleaning those old wounds that we do not shy away from it. Be preceptive, notice when we are uncomfortable with something, when we are running away or trying to "fill" what we believe is a void. Let us work together and for each other!

Where ever we are in our lives, However spiritually advanced we may be, there is always room for more growth, more love, more understanding and let it start with ourselves. Let us be present to our projections, let us be present in our actions towards others and let us consciously choose to be our highest most brightest selves so that we may all shine together!!

And in this closing I just wanted to say thank you, thank you to all the amazing people in my life for it is your compliments, your words of praise, that allowed me to come into this place within to become aware of any false beliefs I was carrying so that I can choose to work at letting them go and become fully able and willing to receive all the good in the universe:-)

3/19/09

A heart filled meal:-)

Wow what a night i cannot begin to explain how truly grateful I am to have witnessed a union of love for a new friend of mine. Tonight I shared a "family style dinner" of tapas with 10 other beautiful souls, all there to celebrate their dear friend Dawns coming into her human existence 32 years ago. Dawn has recently come into my life and from the first encounter I knew she was a blessing! I felt honored to sit amongst these souls whom had shared many experiences with her, to hear their funny stories of their adventures together but most of all to see that love shining out of their eyes as these hearts touched over that bond of friendship.

Why is it that these days people shut off their hearts to each other, holding back from expressing their true feelings for one another? Perhaps it is fear, thinking that if they open their hearts that they will get hurt. Well if this happens to be the way you chose to live your life than I pray that one day you will realize the only pain you will experience is from denying that which is innate in you.

 

I hope that we will start to live with our hearts more open or at least start working on it, I Hope that we will reach out when someone we care about comes to mind, shoot them a text,an email, give them a call, let them know your thinking about them. Celebrating people is one of my favorite things to do I can't think of anything better than seeing my loved ones happy to truly feel appreciated and loved.

Well since this is my first blog and I am exhausted from a glorious day filled with so many wonderful things, so in all my "gayness" (thanks for that Jimi..i know it comes from love:-)I must rest, excitedly anticipating what tomorrow will bring!!:-)

this is how it all begins...

So I have decided to start my own blog!!

 Everyday I am blessed, I am blessed in so many ways, however, I would like to think my biggest blessing is my heart. My love for life in all it's glory in all it's heartbreaks, for it is life that moves me, inspires me, uplifts me, and makes me grow into the beautiful woman that longs to embrace it all.  With these blogs I hope to shine some of that light which is within me, to share with all of you some of the moments that make me so joyful and to question our paths in life in aims to uplift and inspire a place of gratitude within, evoking a similar deep appreciation for all that is around us... to reflect that which is present within you so that we may all soar together!!